I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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