I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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