mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
