I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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