I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
