I accidentally had phone sex last night
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you win again, gameday.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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