Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
