I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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