Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
