It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
