So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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