Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
