if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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