theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
