Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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