Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
