Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
