Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
