life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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