woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
