I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
