i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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