Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
