Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
