I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
