can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
