Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
