I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
