you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
