ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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