you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
