I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize