Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Let's paint friendship bongs
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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