the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
