I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
