I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
