if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Text me some of your sweat
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
