oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
