You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
