How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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