life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
