I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
