I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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