She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
