pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Randomize
