I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
