What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
