My sheets look like a crime scene.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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