My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
