Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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