I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
