thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
This is not my ceiling
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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