wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
