dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
