so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just found a bag of teeth...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
