I need to stop coming to work sober
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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