Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Someone shattered a urinal.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
