Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
