I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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