We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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