Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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