our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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