He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
