Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
