Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
